It's time to break up with cake - The Badger Herald

September is the month with the highest birth rate of the year, and due to this, you may be experiencing “cake fatigue.” Just how has the most essential birthday treat become so bleh?

The once unpopular opinion that cake is a drag now may become the popular one. Don’t worry, if you still like it, you can have your cake and eat it too, because, in all honesty, no one else wants it.

Cake is bad. Especially cake made from a Betty Crocker box, or those cakes you used to pick out of a catalog at Sam’s Club for your seventh birthday. Yeah, the Scooby-Doo cake was definitely cool at the time, but you have to admit it tasted like garbage, as most cakes do.

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The cake itself may not even be the worst problem, because there’s usually also terrible frosting. Yes, you can wipe it off and eat dry disgusting cake by itself, or you can keep it on and develop diabetes and a sugar rush.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to avoid it. Most celebrations — birthday parties being the most notorious — WILL have cake. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first birthday and you can’t eat cake anyways, you’re getting a cake. Likewise, if it’s your 100th birthday, but in this case, your teeth may be missing and cake is one of the few things you can still eat.

If you need any more convincing, let’s talk about the fact that birthday cakes are quite literally spat on by the birthday boy or girl when they blow out their candles. Or the fact that every once and a while some of the candle wax gets on your slice and you end up eating it.

There are just too many other options and great desserts to experience for us to be eating cake so often. Of course, there are exceptions, as variations of cake are great. For example, cheesecake, ice cream cake or even flavored treats such as Coldstone Creamery’s Birthday Cake Remix ice cream are all viable options. Even the use of the birthday cake emoji is highly encouraged. But it feels like society has progressed past the need for cake.

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While we’re on the topic of cake, I’d like to bring up the fact that everything is made out of cake now. I’m tired of seeing videos of what is presumably a cute kitten or someone’s hand being sliced into, just to realize it’s just an extremely well-decorated cake. I’m starting to think it is a widespread public relations stunt by cake people to constantly remind us of cake.

In conclusion, I am petitioning for birthdays everywhere to break up with cake despite us being in the midst of cuffing season.

I don’t want to be seeing a birthday cake anytime in the near future unless I am front and center at a Steve Aoki concert getting it thrown at my face. We’re over you, cake.

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