Who Wants Some Cursed Old Cake? - The Cut

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Did you wake up today wondering what it would be like to taste a slice of cake that’s 40 years old? No? Well, too bad, because a piece of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’s 1981 wedding cake is going up for auction, and now you must ponder the old cake accordingly. How would you like to be the proud owner of a slice of wedding cake that’s older than Meghan Markle?

Before you answer, let’s meet the cake, shall we? The eight-by-seven-inch slice weighs 28 ounces and, per royal tradition, is a piece of fruitcake. FRUITCAKE. 40-YEAR-OLD FRUITCAKE. The nerve!! The slice was initially gifted to Moyra Smith, a member of the Queen Mother’s household staff at Clarence House. Smith preserved the cake in plastic wrap and stowed it in a decorative tin labeled, “Handle with Care - Prince Charles & Princess Diane’s (sic) Wedding Cake.” I’m assuming the cake was frozen, but that isn’t specified. (Oh god, has the cake been room temperature for 40 years??) In 2008, Smith’s family sold the slice to a collector, per BBC. Now, on August 8, the collector is selling it in honor (?) of the 40-year-anniversary of Princess Di and Prince Charles’s wedding. Hmm, I guess my main question is, Why tho?

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Per People, the slice of cake is expected to be auctioned off for upward of £500, which is almost $700. I can’t decide if that’s a lot of money or far too little. On one hand, why would I give someone hundreds of dollars for old cake? On the other hand, it’s Princess Diana’s old cake. On both hands, however, there is a piece of fruitcake that’s been aged for four decades, something that seems like a crime against humanity.

The original wedding cake in full stood five feet tall and weighed about 225 pounds. A behemoth of a wedding cake. Just look at this thing:

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The slice of cake being auctioned off is decorated with the royal coat of arms in red, gold, and blue. The edible coat of arms features a lion and a unicorn that both look — and I mean this respectfully — buck wild. Do yourself a favor and admire the animals’ faces when you have a moment.

Chris Albury, a royal memorabilia specialist at the Dominic Winter auction house, told People he “wouldn’t recommend eating” the cake despite its seemingly good condition — “after 40 years, it’s clearly destined to last.”

Okay, so, if you can’t eat the old cake, what are you supposed to do with it? Should you put it in a container in your freezer and label it “DO NOT TOUCH — IT’S NOT A BODY OR ANYTHING BUT DON’T TOUCH IT”? Do you dole it out at your own wedding as a party favor? Do you add it to a royal summoning circle? Hang it up as decoration? Marry it and start an old cake life together? Do you … give it a tiny little taste just to see? Someone please advise!

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