Smart New Ways to Cut a Cake, According to TikTok - The New Yorker

Smart New Ways to Cut a Cake, According to TikTok

Use a red Solo cup: Just sort of jam it in there.

Slice it vertically: Carve the cake into slivers, like you’d cut a spiral ham.

Shave it with a Mach3 razor: Run the blades along the icing as close to the outer crumbs as possible, being careful not to nick the jam.

Spoon it into a BlenderBottle: Shake until creamy. Chug in public while performing a two-hour wall sit.

Cut it upside down: Not the cake—you. Rappel from the ceiling until you’re Spider-Man-ing above the cake’s top layer with a knife. Gently kiss it on your way back up.

Scoop it with a melon baller: Feed by hand to brunch guests.

Pack it into a food processor: Pulse until it’s in rough crumbles, then snort.

Ladle it, while it’s still scalding hot, into your friends’ mouths: Make sure everyone gets a walnut!

Probe it with the tools from the game Operation: Pluck each berry from the internal layers, and make a loud buzzing sound with your mouth when you hit cake.

Dig it up: Sweep the frosted surface with a metal detector. Once you hear that beep, go in fast with a shovel before any nearby children can stake their claim to the thing you worked so damn hard for.

Break it down through massage: Dim the lights and work out the tension until it’s so loose that it falls apart.

Stomp on it as if you were killing a large spider: You never know!

Stomp on it as if a talent agent for the show “Stomp” were in the room: You never know!

Stomp on it like a grape stomper stomps on grapes to make wine: You never know!

Cut it down a notch with your words: Acting with the ruthlessness of a children’s-theatre director putting on a local production of “Les Misérables,” post a cast list, and do not include the young cake’s name.

Toss it into a wood chipper: It worked for the guy in “Fargo.”

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